dating in the interwebs: communication

So I realized that I never concluded my "dating in the interwebs" series... I know you are all on the edges of your seats in anticipation.

And although I have vowed to never again date online, I want to finish what I started, knowing that you, oh reader, deserve a Part 3.  {Click here for Part 1 and Part 2.}

I've covered Photos and Profile Content, and now the time has come to discuss Communication.   So you've found a girl who interests you... her pictures are lovely, her profile is interesting, what's the next step?  Communicating!  It's time to send her that message, my friend.  Time to put it all out there {not literally, please not literally} and trust that you are the one for her.  {Okay, not really the one, but confidence is key in the initial messages.}  I've put together some tips for what to do {and what not to do} when taking those first steps of conversing with a lady.  Also I will include examples for each point of actual messages that I have received {mostly showcasing what not to do, natch.  The messages I've received will be in red italics... like Jesus.  But not.} 

1. Use Your Words.  


No.  I will not respond to this.  The same way I rarely {unless you're family, one of the bffs, or a youth group girl} respond to a text that just says "hey."  {Besides of course responding verbally, "Hello, was there something from me that you needed?  Please articulate it."  Anyone else respond to texts verbally?  Just me?  Ok.}  Communicating is about... communicating!  You want to talk to me?  You talk to me.  With more words.

2. Don't Focus on the Problem. 

hey i know this prolly sounds like a line but why u single for?  tell me about how long u been single?

First of all, we're corresponding through a dating site.  Unless noted otherwise, everything said will most likely sound like a line, but that's what we signed up for, yes?   To spew our best, well thought out lines at one another in hopes of catching a good one.  Hook, line, and sinker.
Secondly, "why u single for?"...?!?  I don't even know where to begin to phrase a proper response to that mess of a question.  I honestly don't know what's being asked exactly either. 
Third, are you single?  {Valid quesion in the interweb dating community.}  Do you like being asked that quesion?  Neither do I.
And lastly, here's a good idea, let's discuss further the fact that I'm single.  Not. 

We are all here because we are {hopefully} single.  Let's call it the proverbial elephant in the proverbial room and leave it be, proverbially.  {Ignore that last sentence please.}

3. Slow Down, Crazy, Slow Down.

hey I saw that you viewed my profile and when I saw yours I was impressed.. Then i saw your pics I was blown away on how beautiful you are.. There is no reason you should be on here because you should be able to find a guy so easily with your looks.. You have killer eyes and a beautiful smile.. I would love the chance to get to know you and see what you are about.. If you have facebook you should add me ********or if you feel froggy and i hope that you do you should text me --- --- ----.. I would love to hear from you.. i have a good sense of humor and I am pretty sure that I could make you giggle a few times.. ;)
p.s. Get froggy... lol

Okay, where do I even begin here... there's so much to say about this message, but I'll stick with my main point.  Don't give out your phone number on the first contact.  It's weird.  It's desperate.  It shows me that you probably only want one thing.  {And in the context of this message, there are many other clues alerting me that you only want one thing.} 

And another thing, get froggy?!  Really?  Really?  I can't stop saying it... really?  I didn't know what the phrase meant.  I can guess what it means or refers to, but I honestly don't care to know it's true meaning.  More than anything it leaves me disappointed in the human race.  I just... really??  Froggy??  Stop.

Also one more thing, can we all just agree to not treat an online dating site like it's a prison or something reserved for the scum of society?  The "you shouldn't even be on here"'s and "what's a girl like you doing in a place like this"'s are starting to make me feel like I'm sitting in cell 87B in a cute, orange jumpsuit.  "Hey guhhh, whatchu in fo?"  It's 2012.  Online dating is socially acceptable.  Lots of people do it.  {Weird people, myself included, but people nonetheless.}  It's fine!

4. Don't Be Creepy.

I bet your great at spooning ;O

Grammatical errors and creepiness aside, I actually responded to this guy out of sheer curiosity.  My response: "Hi {insert crude username}, thank you for the message, but I'm not interested.  I am curious, though, what exactly did you see in my profile that made you think a remark like that would warrant a positive response from me?  Just wondering so I can change it." 
He hasn't gotten back to me yet. 

And I don't even want to talk about that weird face he added there at the end.

5.  Find a Common Denominator.

Hey, I'm John*.  I absolutely love cars and am really into them.  Whats your dream car?

*Name changed to protect the guilty. 
What I would have responded to him {I did not, though}: "Hi John.  Well, you may not understand this being as you absolutely love cars, but I really don't have a dream car.  I mean, I like the car I own, so maybe that's my dream car.  But I'm just not really into cars, as you may have noticed by my lack of mentioning anything about them on my profile.  I see on your profile that you truly do absolutely love cars and that is great!  Good for you.  Good luck with all the cars, John!"

I get it, John... you love cars.  I'm glad you have something that you love.  I love crocheting, but I would never think to send this message to a guy...
"Hey, I'm Kelsey.  I absolutely love crocheting and am really into it.  What's your favorite type of blanket?"
That would just be silly.  And no guy wants to date their grandma {they can find this out later... muahaha}.
Find a common denominator!  Something that you're both in to, or something from her profile that you know about or are interested in!  It's always best to focus on the other person in your first message.  That shows them that you're maybe truly interested in them, and not just copying and pasting a generic ice breaker to every girl's inbox.  Don't be this guy...

Hello Im Derek.  Im 26 and have lived in Indiana my whole life.  I enjoy video games, farming, and bonfires.  I have some great friends that I enjoy hanging out with on the weekends.  Im a gentleman and always treat a lady with respect.  I go to church when I feel like it, but would like my lady to go as much as possible.  If you like to cook, bake, clean, and have fun, Im your guy.  Send me a message if your interested.  -Derek.

Okay, Derek, besides the fact that I feel like this is a note from the past, all of this should be on your profile and not in my messages.  If I'm supposed to find you, I'll find you.  Good day.

Which brings me to my final point for today,

6. Ya Gotta Give Me Somethin'.

Wow.  I think everything about your profile is awesome.  I'm Jim and all I can say is: I'd like to get to you know more.

Did I leave ya speechless, Jimothy?  It happens frequently. 

Hello, you kind of scare me which is rare, But pretty neat at the same time! I thought I would just dive right in without pre determinations......:)

Can we all take a moment to just laugh about the fact that I scare this guy?? 
A little bit I just want to reply, "Boo!" and see if he screams.
Soo... is this you diving right in?  I'm not exactly sure where you're going with this...

ha, you seem fun!

I am fun, sir, I am.

Now of course, I do have responses to all of these messages, but not necessarily responses I want to share with the message senders just yet.  Not everyone is so lucky to experience my witty banter.  And Lord knows my line between friendly and flirty is always misconstrued by others.  We can't have that.

Anyway, my point: ask a question!  Give her something to respond to! 

And just to clarify, I try to follow all these rules as well when I send a message to a guy.  I think it can go both ways, absolutely!

And always remember the most important...



  1. I cannot stop laughing. I can't believe people write those things...do they actually read them before they send them? And if they do...why do they not erase them and try again?! I think it's the dating equivalent of an American Idol tryout that you feel painfully awkward for and want to shame their friends and family for not encouraging them to pursue another, better-fitting dream. Caitlin

  2. This is so funny because it is so true! Thank you for writing what I think every time I read a message like those!!

  3. hello! I love the way yo write about our father, I´ll start following you so please come visit whenever you want to =)

  4. bahahahahahaha. "A little bit I just want to reply, "Boo!" and see if he screams." please oh please send that reply.

    This series is my favorite. and it's so true. and I think you're awesome. and you don't scare me.

  5. Hi Kelsey. I'd be happy to ship you the anthro rug. Email me at forsalebymarci{at}gmail.com